epiphany #1: i love my family. why don't i always act like i do? why am i often impatient with my children or critical of my husband? why do i want them to be other than they are? this lent i want my love for them to be clear to them every day, and to greatly overshadow my frustrations.
epiphany #2: i have so so much. so much stuff. so much money. so much food. so many people who love and support me. why do i always want more? why do i read catalogs? browse craigslist? compare myself and my life to others? this lent i want to minimize the input that makes me feel lustful, and minimize my role in a consumerist society. i want to buy less and want less. i want to share. i want to surround myself with words, images and people who affirm my real beliefs--that i have an abundance.
epiphany #3: blogs aren't always what they seem. i love having this blog as a medium to process and chronicle our lives, and as a way to share our little world with you, our dear friends and family. but it's also a strange thing to write honestly and with humility for a sort-of faceless readership. it's easy for me to share the best parts of my family, of my words and images. but how does that make you feel? i know that we all have this general understanding of how blogs work, that they are just a window and not the whole story, that it's okay to share beauty and inspiration, to toot our own horns a bit... but still, how does that make you feel?
i'm realizing that i often come away from the computer feeling pretty down, after i've spent some time scanning blogs belonging to people whose lives seem so much better than mine. in these blogs the women are supermamas, nurturing to their many children, creating gorgeous art and craft and food, living in lovely, well-organized, clean homes, reading challenging literature... and while this may not be the whole story, it doesn't really matter. because i come away feeling inadequate, jealous, frustrated, lustful. i do not come away feeling energized and inspired. likely this is more a critique of me than of the blogosphere in general--which means that i have some important work to do within myself in dealing with those bad feelings and nurturing some positive ones. which i don't think i can do very well with a computer on my lap. which is a roundabout way of saying that for this epiphany, my resolution is to keep my computer in a hard-to-reach place, and use it only minimally. i think our whole family will benefit from this.
epiphany #4: i am happy when i am creative. i feel frustrated when i don't have the time or space to be so. this lent i want to begin working on some projects i've thought about for a while, including posting some things on etsy, putting together another zine, documenting my babies in their journals and baby books, making my yard pretty, writing lots of letters and breaking in my new sewing machine. for a long time i've felt like i can't begin being creative until my space is perfectly organized, but if i wait for that, i'll never do anything!
epiphany #5: meditation. i'm not good at extended prayer or meditation. my mind wanders so easily. but i appreciate having a short phrase or prayer to repeat when i find myself with a few minutes of quiet--falling asleep at night, nursing isla, drinking coffee. so i was very excited to receive a postcard this week from my friend dale, who left me with these wise words:
fear not! pray always!
an invitation to a holy lent.