post-script

i've gone through so many feelings since that overwhelming feeling of joy at feeling isla released from my body and placed gently on my chest. i think what i felt most after giving birth was shock--it had all happened so quickly, and had happened in a way i hadn't really believed possible. after my experience laboring with noah, and my inability to birth him vaginally (for no very clear reason), i still held a strong doubt deep within that my body would be able to birth this little girl naturally. maybe it was because of this feeling that i worked so hard to set up the ideal VBAC environment for myself--that somehow the outside circumstances would work to accomplish something that my body on its own couldn't do. in the end, i don't know where to give credit: to isla; to my body; to my midwife, doula and husband; to god; to the hospital; to happenstance? i guess the why doesn't really matter, though. what matters is what happened, and that it was a beautiful thing.

my biggest post-partum psychological hurdle has been dealing with the fact that i had an epidural, an intervention i know to be very invasive, scary and potentially dangerous, but which i chose nonetheless. at a check-up last week with my midwife natalie, i told her i felt embarrassed by my choice, that i felt like a failure and that i hadn't upheld the standards of the natural birth community i like to align myself with. mostly i felt weak, as a woman. why couldn't i do what women all over the world do every day, many with much less support than i had?

natalie's idea was that when i entered transition it was almost as if i were suddenly back in time, laboring with noah. she suggested that my body remembered how difficult, long and fruitless that process had been, and that i expected the same thing to happen again. how could i trust what she told me--that i was progressing quickly, that i would be pushing soon? that hadn't happened with noah, and a big part of me didn't believe it would happen with isla either. so i panicked. i froze into my fear, not working with my body, not letting anyone help me process or move forward. it wasn't until the epidural lessened the intensity of the pain that i was able to relax a little, to regain hope and to progress with the work of birthing my baby.

i don't know if things could have gone differently. maybe if i'd worked harder at letting go of the negative experience of my labor with noah, then i could have moved forward more easily in the altogether new experience of my labor with isla. maybe i should have had a better plan for how to deal with my potential fear and paralysis. maybe i shouldn't have given birth in an hospital setting, so as to eliminate the options of pain medications. (though this really isn't an easy option with VBAC, nor do i necessarily believe it would have been safe.)

or maybe i should just accept my experience for what it was: a very positive experience overall, with a brief middle phase of extreme pain and fear. whether or not epidurals are a good idea in general isn't really the point. i think for me, this time, this particular medical intervention did something very useful, which was to allow me to move beyond my fear and work with my body to push my baby out into the world. it was also helpful that i was able to focus on bonding with my brand-new baby while my vaginal tears were being repaired.

i'm thinking now about how to integrate my two birth experiences into my potential work as a doula. i still feel a little too emotionally vulnerable to imagine moving forward in my doula certification just yet, so i'm trying to use this time to process what i have felt and what i imagine other women might feel. i do like the idea that i have had some semi-uncommon experiences (an ovarian cyst, an OP baby, an epidural, a cesarean section, a VBAC, etc.), and that my experiences can help me understand the emotional and physical reactions of other women coping with similar things. but exactly how to do that best... i'm working on it! (and i'd love to hear ideas and perspectives from you!)

isla's birth

the day i went into labor with isla started out about as perfect as i can imagine. saturday the 30th was a beautiful, warm late summer day. aaron, noah and i went to our favorite donut shop and then brought our treats across the street to whatcom falls park. noah played on the playground and then we went for a leisurely walk across the falls and through the woods. noah and aaron raced and climbed, and we munched wild blackberries. we felt so happy and relaxed, and noah especially seemed so carefree--just wandering where he liked, us following along. i felt strong and healthy, enjoying the braxton-hicks contractions i was getting as a reminder of the presence of this new little one. after our walk we came home and noah and i had a nap.

later that afternoon, our brother and sister-in-law colin and nicole came down from surrey to spend a fun-filled evening with us. we planned games, movies, a walk downtown for ice cream, a home-cooked meal, haircuts, etc. in the early afternoon i went to the bathroom and was suspicious when i saw what i thought was my mucus plug. i called sarah, my friend and doula, who told me this was a great sign of things moving forward, and to call her when i felt more strongly that things were happening. colin, nicole and i made a trip to trader joe's for supplies, where i had to stop once or twice to breathe through a contraction. i didn't want everyone to get worked up for nothing, so i tried to lay low and see how things progressed.

we got home and aaron whipped up some baked tortellini, which suddenly did not sound very good to me. i didn't eat much, and afterward mentioned that i felt pretty sure that i was heading into labor. everyone got really excited, and aaron channeled his energy into getting a buzzcut outside from nicole. noah got one too, and i tried to watch but eventually had to move into the living room and concentrate on my contractions. there was still talk of walking downtown for ice cream, but i could no longer imagine enjoying the trip. colin and nicole took a newly-shorn noah for ice cream, while aaron and i got ready to head to the hospital. sarah came over then and helped us out the door. i felt sad saying goodbye to noah, who looked worried and knew something crazy was happening. but i was so glad that colin and nic (and soon grandma) would be with him all night. they said he did fine after we left and slept well.

the drive to mount vernon was better than i expected--quiet, dark and calm, with just me and aaron and the new baby slowly moving down inside me. i had a few contractions but managed them fine. checking in to the hospital was a little stressful, since my contractions greatly increased as i moved. we spent the first little while in "triage," where a nurse did an internal check to determine my dilation. i was nervous about this, since they usually don't admit you unless you're at least 4 centimeters, and we definitely didn't want to drive back home. but she determined that i was 4-5, which was awesome! when i labored with noah, it took me what felt like forever to get to that point, and here i was already there and it hadn't been bad at all.

we then slowly transferred to our labor/delivery/recovery room, where i was hooked up to an IV for antibiotics, since i'd tested positive for group b strep. (i only ended up getting one dose during my labor, which meant in the end we had to stay at the hospital a bit longer, but that i had fewer antibiotics to contend with in my body.) i was also hooked up to the maternal and fetal monitors, but through a telemetry unit which let me move freely and be in water. right away i wanted to go into the tub, which we did. it felt great.

our midwife, natalie, came while i was in the tub, and i remember the few hours in there as quiet and peaceful. when a contraction came, either aaron or sarah would put pressure on my back, where i was still strongly feeling the contractions even though this baby wasn't posterior. in between contractions, the four of us would talk--about nursing, midwifery, VBACs, toddlers, life, etc. i remember feeling (though i was hesitant to verbalize it), that if labor was going to be like this the whole way, i could definitely manage it. it wasn't easy, but i felt like i was keeping on top of the contractions and could continue, as long as things stayed the same.

of course in labor things do not stay the same, which is really the point. after an hour or two in the tub, i felt my bag of waters break and empty into the tub. it was a strange feeling--a definite pop and and a release of fluid, all during a contraction. it was around this point that natalie asked me to come over to the bed so she could check my dilation. they also wanted to monitor me again out of the water for a little bit, as the monitor hadn't been working very well with my position in the water. so i hauled myself over to the bed.

(i will say here that i was impressed by the flexibility of the hospital staff to work with what i wanted, within what they are mandated to do for VBACs, including continuous fetal monitoring. our nurse was very open to creative positioning of the monitors, which allowed me to do whatever felt comfortable. she also let us know when the monitors weren't picking up the baby's heart rate very well, but in a calm way that didn't elicit panic. she just asked that we try a new position.)

i climbed out of the tub and onto the bed with much effort and many contractions, which became stronger since my water had broken. natalie checked my dilation and concluded that i was about 7-8cm. everyone was impressed at how fast things were going, but i felt heavy with the weight of those 2-3 more centimeters i had left to go. suddenly things were incredibly intense and i moved into a place of fear and panic. hello, transition!! even though i knew theoretically what to expect from the transition stage of labor, in reality it was still a physical shock. what had seemed manageable in the tub no longer did. i was paralyzed with pain and fear. the next hour or so went by in a fog--of very strong contractions that i was still feeling intensely in my lower back, one after another.

i began asking for an epidural, which request no one took very seriously at first. i'd asked sarah to remind me when labor got rough that i really hoped for an unmedicated labor and birth. she reminded me, and i wanted to kick her. natalie kept telling me how quickly things were going, and that i would probably be pushing within an hour or two. i didn't believe her. i kept saying, "i can't do this," and everyone would respond with, "you are doing it!" i remember learning about this "helpful response" in my doula training course, and i resented everyone for using it. easy for you to say, i thought!

eventually i began to cry, and begged them to take me seriously. aaron heard me and told the others i was serious. they requested the anestesiologist. waiting for him to come, i was no longer coping with the contractions at all, barely breathing through them and physically rigid. i felt paralyzed. i remember sarah at one point grabbing the icon of mother and child i'd brought with me, and shoving it near my face. "look at this!" she said, and i pushed her away. now this thoughtful effort strikes me as incredibly funny. not even faithful mary and her angelic little boy could help me then!

it seemed like a long time before the anesthesiologist came, but was probably about half an hour. i didn't feel the effects of the epidural immediately, either, and when i did it was a lessening of feeling but not a total numbing. the anesthesiologist couldn't figure out why i wasn't having total pain relief, but whatever went "wrong" with the epidural was actually just right. i'd hoped that if i did end up with an epidural, it would somehow be less strong than the one i'd had with noah, so that i could still feel enough to push effectively. i got my wish! the medicine calmed me down enough to focus on my breathing and to use my contractions for effective pushing. which happened pretty much right after the epidural was administered. natalie hadn't been lying after all!


i probably pushed for about an hour total, using each contraction but still not totally sure of what i was doing. natalie was good at giving direction, and everyone else would encourage me each time. the nurse set up a mirror at the foot of the bed, and it was incredible to see my body progressing toward letting this little baby out. even when her head was visible, i still barely believed that she would come out of me this way, that it was possible. but it was! and it seemed so natural when it happened--first her little head, then her scrunched-up face, then her shoulders and her wiggly body. natalie lifted her out and up to my chest right away, which was incredible. after a few minutes aaron cut her cord. i tore a bit, and while natalie stitched me up aaron and i bonded with isla. (thanks to the epidural for my calm during this time!) she nursed right away.

what a fast process! from the time earlier in the evening when i was sure i was in labor until isla's birth, only about seven hours had transpired. so much more reasonable than the almost 24 hours of labor with noah!

aaron and a brand-new little girl

long arms, long legs, long fingers and toes!

sarah and tiny isla

big brother noah having fun in the hospital room

blessing

a few nights ago, my friend andrea came over to bless us. she's a priest, so she can do this in a pretty official capacity. i'd had it in my mind that she was coming over to bless little isla, and to sacramentally mark her entry into the world by anointing her with holy oil. which andrea did, and which was lovely. but only when andrea began to pray for and anoint the rest of us did i realize that probably we are the ones who needed that sacrament even more than isla.

we've had a week of ups and downs, of the deepest felt love and the strangest sadness. noah is confused and seems angry with me, and sometimes rough with isla. i am post-partum, hormones racing through my body making me think i can't adequately mother these two little ones. and physically i am sore and tired, with even sitting still requiring effort. aaron is his usual strong and supportive self, but he can only do so much. and he is on his own search for fullness, in his work and his creative life. isla is calm and lovely, but she too is figuring out how to be a person in the world. we are all in a strange new place.

which made andrea's prayers--for strength, for peace, for patience and healing--all the more apt, for all of us. and i felt the touch of her fingers on my forehead, tracing the sign of the cross in holy oil, as a powerful seal--sealing me to these other fragile members of my family, sealing my bursting heart, sealing my bleeding wounds, sealing us all to christ.

and we all fell asleep smelling sweet and strong.

hello, isla louise

isla louise bandstra was born at 3:07am on sunday, august 31. she weighed ten pounds and was 22 1/2 inches long. her birth was a successful VBAC at skagit valley hospital in mount vernon, washington. we had a fantastic nurse midwife and a wonderful doula, and we couldn't have done it without them. we are all nesting in our cozy new home and getting to know this lovely little girl. hooray!

spring wrap-up

tomorrow it will be summer. really?? i'd love it if that were true. "spring" in bellingham has at times felt close to winter, so maybe summer will at least feel like spring. so much rain! so many sweaters! so few flip-flop days! i was looking forward to the end of this pregnancy coming in the summer so i could wear cute sundresses and tank tops instead of piles of sweaters adding to my already-bulk. that has yet to happen.

but lots is happening in our lives, nonetheless. here are a few updates:

the house is coming along. since we closed on may 15th, the house has a new roof and a new fence, it's pretty much empty inside, a few walls have been knocked down, paneling has been torn off, and the furnace and ducting have successfully been moved upstairs and hooked up. this weekend aaron will work on updating the electrical and installing new outlets. then comes plumbing, then comes... stuff that will actually make it start to look livable! i'm excited for the rebuilding process, which will help me envision this new space we'll soon be transitioning into.

aaron has mastered the city permitting process, and has been drawing plans and meeting with city planners and inspectors. he's learned a lot and we feel good about doing the demo/rebuild process all above-board. aaron spends all day fridays and saturdays and parts of sundays and most evenings at the new house, so noah and i have had to entertain ourselves a lot lately. it has helped to have a fence up at the new house, which allows me to work outside while noah safely plays. i've been enjoying planting things in my two new raised beds, and noah's been enjoying playing in his sandbox, riding his bike, peering through the fence at the neighbors and playing with his new "blocks" (i.e. fence scraps).

aaron has put me in charge of researching things like floor coverings (meaning lino for kitchen and bathroom and area rugs for other spaces), wall coverings (meaning non-toxic paint, blinds/curtains, etc.), appliances (we need new everything) and fixtures. i've been falling asleep reading home improvement magazines. it's funny.

so far i have bought a rug for the kids' room, and i've been enjoying thinking about decorating a fun space for them. that's about as far as my research has gotten, though. any advice from any of you on the above purchases?

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noah is terribly and terrifically two. he amazes me and challenges me every day. his vocabulary grows by the minute, and i'm always shocked at how quickly he memorizes new words. (just this morning we talked about fire hydrants while walking through town, and then before his nap he pointed one out in a book we were reading, remembering exactly what it was called!) no longer does the word "digger" represent all construction vehicles. now he points out the difference between backhoes, skid-steer-loaders, rollers, impact hammers, graders, etc. and he will correct me when i'm wrong. he also knows all the names of train cars (like boxcars, hoppers, tank cars, passenger cars, flatbeds, caboose, etc.) he's pretty much obsessed with all vehicles still, though trains and construction trucks take precedence over airplanes and boats.

he loves puzzles and does them so fast! he loves to read and will sometimes sit in front of his bookshelf for half an hour, pulling books down and leafing through, saying the titles and pointing out favorite characters and objects to himself. (we're working on putting the pile back on the shelf when he's done...) he loves stickers and uses them to decorate his "green sheet," the big piece of paper we have tacked onto the wall. he's mildly interested in coloring and drawing. he likes to count, but this usually means he says, "dit, dit, dit, dit, dit...many!" although i think he understands the number two...

noah is fiercely independent but also still strongly attached. he wants to sit in a big chair (not his booster seat), drink from mama or daddy's cup, use a big fork, serve his own food, etc. usually he does really well but messes do abound. he's an amazing climber, speeding to the top of any play structure, hill or stairway. he does not seem all that fond of slides or swings, though.

he's starting to get excited about using the potty, though it's still merely a novelty. he will scoot his little bum backwards until it lands on the potty, settle in, push and grunt with a great effort, and then hop up to check his progress. usually only a tiny trickle has come out, but he's so proud! then he'll scoot his little bum backwards and do it over and over again.

i think he understands that we'll be moving soon to the "new house," but i can imagine it might be hard for him to think of it as a real house yet. i also think he understands that a new baby is on the way, but that also might not be real until he meets that little person. he does give my belly kisses, pretends to share his pacifiers with the baby, and talks about how when mama eats food it goes down, down, down to the new baby. i think he'll be a great big brother.

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in early may i did the doula training workshop at the seattle midwifery school. it was an intense four-day (over two weekends) training, which, if i follow through, will certify me to become a licensed doula. it was a wonderful experience, taught by really smart and talented women and attended by really smart and talented women. what made it even better was that my friend jessie (wife to aaron's friend mike) took the training with me, so we got to process what we were learning together. we're both unsure of what our doula-ing futures will look like, so it was nice to share the experience with someone else who was there mostly out of curiosity. certification would mean attending and documenting three births and joining one of the local doula organizations.

i feel pretty sure that i'll pursue certification in the future, though it's hard to think about being a doula for someone else right now. currently most of my energy is spent growing and preparing to birth my own little baby, and i'm lucky that my dear friend sarah will be my doula for this experience. maybe next spring or summer i will feel ready to lend that support and encouragement to other birthing mothers in a doula role.

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which leads to an update on this new little baby. so far, this pregnancy has been uneventful, in the best ways (i.e. no ovarian cyst or other complications!). today i am 31 weeks pregnant, leaving 6 weeks until we move into the new house and until the baby is considered "full term" (which is usually between 37 and 42 weeks). things have gone so quickly this time! i'm sure it has to do with the bulk of my energy going toward noah; i hardly have time to notice what's going on in my belly! but i've done prenatal yoga again this time, which is always a lovely quiet time to be present in my body and connect with this baby. generally i am more achey and painy this time around than i was with noah, but probably that also has a bit to do with the fact that i sometimes heft around a 30-pound toddler. alas!

as the baby's birth gets closer, i feel both excitement and anxiety. i've tried to let go of most of the grief, disappointment and frustration i felt with the experience of noah's birth; i can honestly say that i now understand that we all did what we could every step of the way. and what i hope for this upcoming experience is that i'll be able to say that again.

this time, however, i feel so much more prepared. i know what to expect, and i know about the things you don't expect that might happen anyway. and i know how important it is to have strong, assertive, knowledgeable and loving support around me as i labor. i'm counting on my friend sarah's doula skills and her friend skills to be important supports that last time were missing. i'm also hoping this baby has the kindness to be in the anterior position and maybe come a bit earlier than noah decided to. but... we'll deal with what we get!

we're planning to have this baby at the skagit valley hospital, which is about half an hour south of us in the town of mount vernon. SVH has certified nurse midwives on staff, which, sadly, our local hospital does not. and their team of nurse midwives are all very supportive of VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) and have not put any random bounds on my labor and birth experience. they all say that they will help me have the experience i choose to have, as long as the baby seems safe. i will have to be monitored more closely this time around, but the hospital has a telemetry unit that will allow me freedom of movement and bathtub access. and there will be an OB down the hall who could perform an emergency cesarean, if necessary. but we are hoping that he won't be necessary!

in my search for a VBAC-supportive care provider, i was saddened by the realization that i'd have to go to a different town to have the experience i wanted. there isn't a midwife in bellingham who is willing to risk losing her license by performing an out-of-hospital VBAC (either at home or at the birth center), and there are no in-hospital midwives. there is one family practice doctor/surgeon who has VBAC privileges, but he told me that if i didn't go into labor by my due date we would schedule a cesarean for my due date. and the only other local VBAC options are OBs, which i did not want. i'm happy to have found the nurse-midwives in skagit valley, but i hope that it won't be long before bellingham gets some in hospital nurse-midwives of their own! as soon as my friend sarah finishes her training, i am lobbying to get her in there...

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so that's life these days for us bellingham bandstras--a summer of work toward new creations. and hopefully a summer of sunshine too!

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house picture above from mike van eerden. and lots more pictures of bandstra life here.