i've gone through so many feelings since that overwhelming feeling of joy at feeling isla released from my body and placed gently on my chest. i think what i felt most after giving birth was shock--it had all happened so quickly, and had happened in a way i hadn't really believed possible. after my experience laboring with noah, and my inability to birth him vaginally (for no very clear reason), i still held a strong doubt deep within that my body would be able to birth this little girl naturally. maybe it was because of this feeling that i worked so hard to set up the ideal VBAC environment for myself--that somehow the outside circumstances would work to accomplish something that my body on its own couldn't do. in the end, i don't know where to give credit: to isla; to my body; to my midwife, doula and husband; to god; to the hospital; to happenstance? i guess the why doesn't really matter, though. what matters is what happened, and that it was a beautiful thing.
my biggest post-partum psychological hurdle has been dealing with the fact that i had an epidural, an intervention i know to be very invasive, scary and potentially dangerous, but which i chose nonetheless. at a check-up last week with my midwife natalie, i told her i felt embarrassed by my choice, that i felt like a failure and that i hadn't upheld the standards of the natural birth community i like to align myself with. mostly i felt weak, as a woman. why couldn't i do what women all over the world do every day, many with much less support than i had?
natalie's idea was that when i entered transition it was almost as if i were suddenly back in time, laboring with noah. she suggested that my body remembered how difficult, long and fruitless that process had been, and that i expected the same thing to happen again. how could i trust what she told me--that i was progressing quickly, that i would be pushing soon? that hadn't happened with noah, and a big part of me didn't believe it would happen with isla either. so i panicked. i froze into my fear, not working with my body, not letting anyone help me process or move forward. it wasn't until the epidural lessened the intensity of the pain that i was able to relax a little, to regain hope and to progress with the work of birthing my baby.
i don't know if things could have gone differently. maybe if i'd worked harder at letting go of the negative experience of my labor with noah, then i could have moved forward more easily in the altogether new experience of my labor with isla. maybe i should have had a better plan for how to deal with my potential fear and paralysis. maybe i shouldn't have given birth in an hospital setting, so as to eliminate the options of pain medications. (though this really isn't an easy option with VBAC, nor do i necessarily believe it would have been safe.)
or maybe i should just accept my experience for what it was: a very positive experience overall, with a brief middle phase of extreme pain and fear. whether or not epidurals are a good idea in general isn't really the point. i think for me, this time, this particular medical intervention did something very useful, which was to allow me to move beyond my fear and work with my body to push my baby out into the world. it was also helpful that i was able to focus on bonding with my brand-new baby while my vaginal tears were being repaired.
i'm thinking now about how to integrate my two birth experiences into my potential work as a doula. i still feel a little too emotionally vulnerable to imagine moving forward in my doula certification just yet, so i'm trying to use this time to process what i have felt and what i imagine other women might feel. i do like the idea that i have had some semi-uncommon experiences (an ovarian cyst, an OP baby, an epidural, a cesarean section, a VBAC, etc.), and that my experiences can help me understand the emotional and physical reactions of other women coping with similar things. but exactly how to do that best... i'm working on it! (and i'd love to hear ideas and perspectives from you!)
my biggest post-partum psychological hurdle has been dealing with the fact that i had an epidural, an intervention i know to be very invasive, scary and potentially dangerous, but which i chose nonetheless. at a check-up last week with my midwife natalie, i told her i felt embarrassed by my choice, that i felt like a failure and that i hadn't upheld the standards of the natural birth community i like to align myself with. mostly i felt weak, as a woman. why couldn't i do what women all over the world do every day, many with much less support than i had?
natalie's idea was that when i entered transition it was almost as if i were suddenly back in time, laboring with noah. she suggested that my body remembered how difficult, long and fruitless that process had been, and that i expected the same thing to happen again. how could i trust what she told me--that i was progressing quickly, that i would be pushing soon? that hadn't happened with noah, and a big part of me didn't believe it would happen with isla either. so i panicked. i froze into my fear, not working with my body, not letting anyone help me process or move forward. it wasn't until the epidural lessened the intensity of the pain that i was able to relax a little, to regain hope and to progress with the work of birthing my baby.
i don't know if things could have gone differently. maybe if i'd worked harder at letting go of the negative experience of my labor with noah, then i could have moved forward more easily in the altogether new experience of my labor with isla. maybe i should have had a better plan for how to deal with my potential fear and paralysis. maybe i shouldn't have given birth in an hospital setting, so as to eliminate the options of pain medications. (though this really isn't an easy option with VBAC, nor do i necessarily believe it would have been safe.)
or maybe i should just accept my experience for what it was: a very positive experience overall, with a brief middle phase of extreme pain and fear. whether or not epidurals are a good idea in general isn't really the point. i think for me, this time, this particular medical intervention did something very useful, which was to allow me to move beyond my fear and work with my body to push my baby out into the world. it was also helpful that i was able to focus on bonding with my brand-new baby while my vaginal tears were being repaired.
i'm thinking now about how to integrate my two birth experiences into my potential work as a doula. i still feel a little too emotionally vulnerable to imagine moving forward in my doula certification just yet, so i'm trying to use this time to process what i have felt and what i imagine other women might feel. i do like the idea that i have had some semi-uncommon experiences (an ovarian cyst, an OP baby, an epidural, a cesarean section, a VBAC, etc.), and that my experiences can help me understand the emotional and physical reactions of other women coping with similar things. but exactly how to do that best... i'm working on it! (and i'd love to hear ideas and perspectives from you!)
1 comment:
i think it's really brave for you to talk about this, jess. one of the things i constantly remind myself as a mother is there is no perfect. anything. giving birth in particular is something we anticipate, plan, and long to experience in just such a way. . . but it's also something so spontaneous and unpredictable. if the epidural enabled you to have a vbac, i think it was a marvelous decision. regardless, it was not weakness, because no woman giving birth is weak.
Post a Comment