invitation to a holy lent

Dear People of God: The first Christians observed with great devotion the days of our Lord's passion and resurrection, and it became the custom of the Church to prepare for them by a season of penitence and fasting. This season of Lent provided a time in which converts to the faith were prepared for Holy Baptism. It was also a time when those who, because of notorious sins, had been separated from the body of the faithful, were reconciled by penitence and forgiveness, and restored to the fellowship of the Church. Thereby, the whole congregation was put in mind of the message of pardon and absolution set forth in the Gospel of our Savior, and of the need which all Christians continually have to renew their repentance and faith.

I invite you, therefore, in the name of the Church, to the observance of a holy Lent, by self-examination and repentance; by prayer, fasting, and self-denial; and by reading and meditating on God's holy Word.

--Book of Common Prayer, from the service for Ash Wednesday

ash wednesday snuck up on me this year. it's been a busy week, full of rain and babysitting and visitors, and aaron walking around with a patch on his eye, spilling things. making it to church on time last night for the ash wednesday service felt like just one more thing to do, hurriedly. and even during the service, which is full of time for contemplation, full of beautiful words to mull over, full of heavy symbolism--i couldn't concentrate. i found myself thinking about noah, about how funny-looking he is now with his gappy little teeth. or about aaron, about how hard he works for our family and how much i want him to be happy. or about the unknowns in our future--where to live, whether or not to try to buy a house, how little money we have, whether i will ever find a part-time career. i did not catch myself in self-examination, considering my sins and moving toward repentance. i did not find myself pondering the beginning of the forty days christ spent in the wilderness, or how those forty days led to christ's crucifixion.

i did find myself thinking about how at the end of lent this year, noah and i will be visiting friends and family in new england. and i remembered that at the end of lent last year, my son was born.

which do not seem like the contemplations of a holy lent.

contemplation is not a big part of my life these days. instead, my focus is on the physical: wiping noah's bum and rubbing cream on his diaper rash, cutting his tiny fingernails, feeding him small bites of mushy food, wiping his hands and face, taking him for walks, pointing out the trucks and birds and rain, nursing him, hugging him, laughing with him. i like this physical world. it's very comfortable and very rewarding. it's hard sometimes to see how the suffering of christ fits in.

but i guess lent doesn't have to be just about suffering. i like the line from above that says the whole congregation was put in mind of the message of pardon and absolution set forth in the Gospel of our Savior, and of the need which all Christians continually have to renew their repentance and faith. i like the idea that lent, like all the seasons of the church, exists "to put in mind" a message to the congregation, and i totally understand how we need for these seasons to happen every year, because we forget their messages so quickly.

christina and scott gave us this book for christmas, and i finally opened it up the other night. i couldn't put it down! tolstoy's writing is beautiful, but his faith is more moving. his characters are honest, simple people, whose sins, worries and frustrations are so similar to mine. but his message, again and again, in different stories and told through different characters, is one of pardon and absolution. it is the very message lent is meant to put us in mind of. his characters remind me "of the need which all christians continually have to renew their repentance and faith." and they give me hope that renewal is possible.