reading right now

noah has been reading so much on his own lately.  he is reading right through the whole "jesus storybook bible" in bed at night.  his favorite story is david and goliath.  :)

he also just ordered "stink" from his school book order, and read it on bus on the way home!  now we have a bunch more from that series from the library.

and he is working on a project on the pioneers, so we have a bunch of pioneer books from the library too.  i love the "my first little house" series.

aaron has a few books going at once, as usual.  he is a guy with many interests...

isla has been super into the cinderella story for a while now, and i think we've read just about every version out there.  we found this one recently, which combines cinderella tales from many different countries.  and the pictures are by julie paschkis, whose illustrations i just love!

we read about the dancers book in smithsonian magazine and requested it from the library.  it is so cool!  the pictures are so clever and tell little mini stories about life.  isla loves is.

the bunnies book we found randomly at the library and just love it.  these little bunnies are fairly naughty, but the book is so surprising that we all just cracked up as we read it!  and the bunnies' jambes are really cute.

i flip through lots of books more than i really read any, but i am trying to make it through jim lynch's new book.  i really liked his book "border songs," and this is his new one.  it's about the world's fair in seattle in 1962.  it's interesting to learn about how seattle center came to be.  the kids and i really enjoy hanging out there now, and i like to imagine it back then.

and the "green crafts" book has lots of great, doable, not too messy ideas.  i am making a few copies of things before i return this one to the library.

ezra still eats books more than reads them, but he's sort of beginning to get the hang of flipping through the pages.  we ordered this one for him from noah's book order.  (have i mentioned i am having lots of fun with the kids' book orders?!?  i love them!)


and when a quiet moment presents itself, i love to listen to my new favorite podcast, planet money.  i love the hosts and i really appreciate how they are able to explain very complicated fiscal issues in laypeople's terms.  and they're funny!

on the drive to and from whistler this weekend, we all really enjoyed listening to the frances audio collection.  these stories are so wonderful and quirky!  and the narrator has a wonderful british accent.

and in car isla and i are enjoying the new ben gibbard cd, former lives.  she loves the first song, about singing acapella under an umbrella.  i love the songs "lady adelaide" and "a hard one to know."  and he's actually coming to western on sunday, and i am going to see him!  i'm excited.  it's rare that musicians i like come to town, and rare that it works out for me to go.  hooray!

happy st. valentine's day!

on letting go

--mary oliver

last night we had ezra with us in the ash wednesday service.  he had been in the nursery with the other kids, but our pager went off halfway through.  aaron went to retrieve him and they came back just in time for the imposition of ashes.  as i held ezra on the way to the altar rail, i could feel him taking deep breaths, calming himself from his crying.  i wiped the wet tears from his chubby little cheeks.  i set him down to perch on the rail while we waited for our turn.  aaron received his ashes, i received mine, and then our priest asked if ezra should have some too.  i said yes and watched as he made the sign of the cross on my little boy's forehead.  "remember that you are dust, and to dust you will return."  ezra was quiet and still, watching with wonder at the movements in front of him.

i don't like to think about my little baby being dust, or returning to dust, ever.  i'm sure it is the hardest thing possible for mothers to do.  and how?  he is so full of life!!  moving, talking, laughing, touching, tasting, crying, reaching, gobbling, yelling... nearly every waking minute!  even as the service continued, ezra's breathless little laugh filled the somber spaces of quiet in our big sanctuary.  serious parishioners, dark splotches on their foreheads, laughed too.

later, after we retrieved noah and isla from the nursery, they stared at our ashy foreheads.  when we had given them the choice to join us for the service or to stay and play, they chose to play.  but now they wanted the ashes.  we walked back into the sanctuary and found father jonathan.  "do you still have any ashes left?" i asked.  "we have a few more people who want to receive."  he smiled and led us back to the altar rail.  the kids were serious, knelt down and watched as he retrieved the small silver bowl.  he rubbed his thumb inside, made the sign of the cross on their heads, and reminded them that they were dust.  we thanked him and walked away.

on the way home, isla asked, "how did they make jesus's body stay on the cross?"  i took a deep breath, but noah answered quickly.  "with nails," he said.  "they nailed his body."  "where did they nail him?" isla asked.  "on his hands and feet," i answered.  "that doesn't seem like enough to make him die," noah commented.  "maybe it was because that made him bleed," i told them, nervously, hoping they wouldn't ask me to explain further.  i want to protect them from any more painful details, from any more sad reality.

but they don't seem bothered by it.  they accept it as the past and rejoice in jesus's rebirth.  they look forward to heaven.  they take comfort in the presence of angels.

i wish i could accept these hard things with their simple faith.  lent is hard for me.  i don't like this part of the story.  i mourn with mary, the mother, and mary, the friend.  i feel chastised too when jesus says, "do not hold on to me."  i want to hold on.  to a living, breathing jesus.  to my children full of life.  i don't ever want to let go.

so this is what i'm thinking about this lent.  how to trust like a child that everything will be alright in the end, even in death.  to not fear.  to be comforted by angels.  to let go.

lately

• listening to the song "stompa" by serena ryder over and over.  i heard it on a vancouver radio station driving by myself home from vancouver the other night, and it was awesome!  you can hear it here.

• watching downton abbey season 3.  can you believe what happened to sybil?!?!

• valentine's day crafting.  we have made heart-shaped cookies, pancakes and biscuits, beeswax hearts, felt hearts, paper hearts, potato-heart stamps, and of course done lots of heart-shaped-foam stickering on everything.

• frantically sending out the last of the christmas cards before lent begins and christmas cards become really inappropriate!

• listening to noah read us "weird but true" facts from his new books. 

• thinking about what will happen in the next wildwood chronicles book!  (i finally finished "under wildwood", and it was awesome.)

• following ezra around the house saving him from dangerous situations.  loving his toothy, dimply, breathy laugh.

• checking on the progress of the bulbs in the garden.  getting ready to plant peas.

• doing laundry.  constantly.  how can we possibly have so much laundry!?!?!

• biking again on non-rainy days.  i think it's time to get the green seat hooked up for ezra!

• working on another pair of pants for ezra from this pattern.  these are really fun and so cozy!

• doing some spring cleaning.  i am trying to go through every little corner of this little house and organize/eliminate!  it is slow-going but feels really good.

• thinking about summer plans.  looking forward to camping/biking/island beaches!

• getting ready for lent.  the kids are excited to try to "be serious and think about jesus" to get ready for easter.  now, how, exactly?

rainbow girl

made by isla in church

"that heart is my best heart i ever drew," she told me.  "don't you love it?"  

yes!

ezra august, nine months old

at the mount baker theatre, entertaining himself while isla has dress rehearsal

this boy has been with us on the outside now for as long as he was with me on the inside.  that seems like something notable!

the past month has brought lots of change for this little guy.  when we left for mexico right after christmas, he had just starting crawling around a bit.  he was kind of slow and cautious.  but when we returned home and set him down on the floor, he immediately attempted to pull down the christmas tree, to eat the christmas lights, to pull down and play with all the fragile glass dishware he could reach on our conveniently open kitchen shelves.  he found noah's legos and isla's craft supplies if left lower than the table top.  he crawled right into isla's play area to feast on her tiny, choky, dollhouse furniture.  he pulled himself up to standing on the very solid and bonky wooden bench.  he found every toy smaller than his mouth, and inserted it immediately!  so, suffice it to say, we have been frantically following him around, taking things out of his mouth and rearranging the house!  i think we've finally gotten things arranged so that he is free to explore in a fairly safe manner.  but he is still surprising us with how quickly he can find anything yucky or choky and stick it in his mouth.

he is just beginning to feel comfortable sitting up on his own.  maybe it is his heavy head that throws him off balance?  he has always been more happy on his belly, and still when we sit him down he usually rolls right over to his belly and then leans up on one elbow to check you out.  it's a funny lazy-teenager kind of move.

eating the pool toys in mexico

ezra still takes two naps a day, usually.  the morning one is about two hours and the afternoon one is shorter.  maybe my favorite time with him is right after he wakes and i lift him out of his crib.  he snuggles into me with his puffy, sleepy eyes and warm, rosy cheeks.  this is notable since most of his waking time he does not waste on snuggling.  he is too busy for that!

he is pretty much done with such baby gadgets as the exersaucer and the johnny jumper.  he would rather be left to follow his big sister and brother around the house.  he loves to watch them and loves it even more, of course, when they really focus on him.  noah sometimes reads board books to him, or builds little block towers for ezra to knock over.  isla dances and sings for him and engages him with his basket of baby toys.  they both love to feed him and take baths with him.

he has nearly outgrown his small metal mini-crib.  he turns himself in circles on his belly and when he's perpendicular he bonks his head.  our room is going to be quite cozy with a full-sized crib in there!

we have been taking walks every sunny day we can, and ez seems content to hang out in the bottom part of the stroller, cozy in his green dragon snowsuit, just checking out the scenery.  he also loves to swing in the blue baby swing in our yard.

ezra loves to eat!  i remember that when he was 6 months old i worried that he was not gaining enough weight.  well, those worries are over.  i think he weighs about 22 pounds now (we weighed him on the airport luggage scale), and he is wearing all 12 months size clothes.  he takes after his father in the food department: not picky and enjoys nearly everything!  pirate's booty and peaches are his two favorite things.  bananas and mashed peas are his least favorite.

ezra playing in one of the empty dance studios while isla has her ballet class 

ice skating outside in downtown vancouver

he has had 6 teeth for a few months, with no more in sight for now.  his hair is growing longer and darker red.  his dimples are still strong when he smiles, which is all the time.  he can do downward dog.  he laughs at "peek-a-boo" and "hole in the road."  he doesn't mind car trips.  he does not hook his legs around me when i hold him, but just hangs like a dead weight!  he does not like the nursery at church.  he seems to understand the few signs we do with him, but he hasn't signed back yet.  he takes off any hat that doesn't tie under his chin.  he loves to eat his booties.  (and mama's crocs.  yuck!)  he says "dada dada," and laughs.  he is learning about books, though he still loves to eat them as much as look at them.  he does not like diaper changes, or outfit changes, and he is the wiggliest of all my babies!  sometimes i need backup just to get him dressed.

in his new hat from carrie, which he tore off immediately!

aaron thinks that there is a special fondness for a baby whose birth was not exactly on the schedule.  maybe this is true.  we all adore little ezzie, and he brings so much joy to all of us.  (now that he is sleeping a little better, i can say this more honestly.)  of course we can't imagine our family without him.  

at mount baker, in his bear suit from grandma katie

rough week

i don't have a headache right now.  that might not sound like it's worth writing a blog post about, but in the last 9 days, it has been an unusual occurrence.  my whole headache saga is too long and complicated and depressing to go into.  and i am actually hopeful that things will improve in the future. but right now i am just feeling so exhausted and sad from this bout of headaches that it's hard for me to think outside of this current reality.

i feel like i've been a terrible mother this week too.  impatient, yelling a lot, not enjoying my children, just watching the clock until aaron gets home.  i know that i have a reason to feel this way, but the kids don't really understand that.  they just think i'm being mean.  i yelled at isla yesterday for being too wild with ezra, who had gotten a bonk, and told her to go away for a while.  when she came back she peered at me cautiously and said, "aren't you going to say sorry now, mama, for being so mean?"

the worst part is that when i have a headache most of the time, i feel so much pressure to appreciate the small times when i don't have a headache.  sometimes i am overwhelmed by it!  how should i spend my small snippets of healthy time?  what if i waste it?  what if i let a messy house, or a needy child get me down and then the little chunk of time is gone and i'm back on the other side?  how can i seize not the day but the minutes?!  what is most important to do?  what will make me happiest in the long run?  see how this is exhausting?

i really don't want to complain too much.  i honestly know that in the big picture my life is so full and good.  but sometimes the minutes can be very hard.

i am also feeling melancholy this week because of two other things.  one is that i saw les miserables last weekend with irene.  it was so good!  and the songs were still so familiar, even though i hadn't really thought about les mis since i sort of gave up my musicals phase long ago.  but all the songs were still in my head, and the story was still powerful enough to have me thinking about it a week later.  there are so many big questions in that story, about the complexities of right and wrong and lawfulness, and what  is worth sacrificing for bigger things, and the value of love.  we really are so lucky to live in this place and this time.

and the other thing affecting me is this book.  i feel sort of silly even admitting that i have read all the previous books in this series, and when i saw this one at the library i figured i should finish the story of these girls that i have followed so far.  and i'm really glad i did.  the end of their story is much deeper than i thought it would be--very, very sad.  but it was beautifully written and just right in the end.  it made me appreciate anew the gift i have been given in being a mother, and how important that role can be.  i do recommend this book, but if you read it, prepare to cry.

i'll end on a happy note.  look at isla in this picture.  the rest of her dance class is all standing still, waiting for instruction from their teacher on what to do next.  but isla?  no way.  she is so full of life.   you can't stop this girl from tapping her little heart out.  i am sorry i was mean this week, little isla.  hopefully next week will be better.

new table!

in other news around here, aaron recently made us a beautiful new kitchen table!  we all love it so much.  it has a trestle-type timber-framed bottom and uses some local old fir flooring as the top.  it is big enough to handle many things at once: me cooking, isla crafting, noah lego-ing and more!  and ezra has already mastered crawling underneath the center beam without bonking his head.  what more could we ask?

in process

timber frame pieces

trestle bottom

it fits a table runner and lots of food!

lots of and room for painting!

and lego-ing!

next up will be a built-in bench seat against the back wall under the windows.  stay tuned!