rough week

i don't have a headache right now.  that might not sound like it's worth writing a blog post about, but in the last 9 days, it has been an unusual occurrence.  my whole headache saga is too long and complicated and depressing to go into.  and i am actually hopeful that things will improve in the future. but right now i am just feeling so exhausted and sad from this bout of headaches that it's hard for me to think outside of this current reality.

i feel like i've been a terrible mother this week too.  impatient, yelling a lot, not enjoying my children, just watching the clock until aaron gets home.  i know that i have a reason to feel this way, but the kids don't really understand that.  they just think i'm being mean.  i yelled at isla yesterday for being too wild with ezra, who had gotten a bonk, and told her to go away for a while.  when she came back she peered at me cautiously and said, "aren't you going to say sorry now, mama, for being so mean?"

the worst part is that when i have a headache most of the time, i feel so much pressure to appreciate the small times when i don't have a headache.  sometimes i am overwhelmed by it!  how should i spend my small snippets of healthy time?  what if i waste it?  what if i let a messy house, or a needy child get me down and then the little chunk of time is gone and i'm back on the other side?  how can i seize not the day but the minutes?!  what is most important to do?  what will make me happiest in the long run?  see how this is exhausting?

i really don't want to complain too much.  i honestly know that in the big picture my life is so full and good.  but sometimes the minutes can be very hard.

i am also feeling melancholy this week because of two other things.  one is that i saw les miserables last weekend with irene.  it was so good!  and the songs were still so familiar, even though i hadn't really thought about les mis since i sort of gave up my musicals phase long ago.  but all the songs were still in my head, and the story was still powerful enough to have me thinking about it a week later.  there are so many big questions in that story, about the complexities of right and wrong and lawfulness, and what  is worth sacrificing for bigger things, and the value of love.  we really are so lucky to live in this place and this time.

and the other thing affecting me is this book.  i feel sort of silly even admitting that i have read all the previous books in this series, and when i saw this one at the library i figured i should finish the story of these girls that i have followed so far.  and i'm really glad i did.  the end of their story is much deeper than i thought it would be--very, very sad.  but it was beautifully written and just right in the end.  it made me appreciate anew the gift i have been given in being a mother, and how important that role can be.  i do recommend this book, but if you read it, prepare to cry.

i'll end on a happy note.  look at isla in this picture.  the rest of her dance class is all standing still, waiting for instruction from their teacher on what to do next.  but isla?  no way.  she is so full of life.   you can't stop this girl from tapping her little heart out.  i am sorry i was mean this week, little isla.  hopefully next week will be better.